


The Years

by siruru



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 1940s, 1950s, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Tragedy, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/M, Flashbacks, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, Time Skips, Unplanned Pregnancy, War Veteran Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 21:46:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14680110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siruru/pseuds/siruru
Summary: You had Bucky Barnes for a few flashes within your life, and a lifetime of longing.





	The Years

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Hurt - Johnny Cash
> 
> This is for @violentlybarnes ‘s 3k challenge. i read a book a while back about a young woman who had a brother who was a soldier that ended up killing himself, in a lot of ways he reminded me of bucky. when i saw this challenge, that idea was brought up again, along mixing some Hamilton and other things. it’s a little cliche, but i like it in an odd way.
> 
> This kind of diverges from the end of CA: TFA. There are also mentions of self-harm and suicide, so please proceed with caution. 
> 
> Please enjoy and feedback is always welcomed.

 

 

 

> **ON THE 70th ANNIVERSARY OF WWII, WE LOOK BACK–**
> 
> _**Interviewer:** So, what can you tell us about your parents before the war?_
> 
> _**S. Barnes:** Well, the basics right off the bat. Both were Brooklyn born and raised. My father was born March 10, 1917 and my mother a few months after that. Both set of my grandparents knew each other, my mom was best friends with my Aunt Rebecca, but those two never met – to this day I still can’t believe that, but dad liked his dancing and mom liked her books.   _
> 
> _**Interviewer:** Hasn’t it been said that they went on a blind date once?_
> 
> _**S. Barnes:** Aunt Becca tried to step them up once…it didn’t work out too well._

* * *

**1938.**

_“He’s gonna knock your socks off,” Rebecca grins as she brushes your hair, though all you can do is frown as she keeps talking about her older brother, “I know you guys are gonna be perfect for each other.”_

You scowl thinking back on Rebecca’s enthusiasm when James Buchanan Barnes was more interested in dancing with other girls than to actually meeting up with the one his little sister actually set him up with. It wasn’t like you were disappointed, you already knew Bucky’s reputation preceded him within Brooklyn, hell even all of New York. You were more annoyed with yourself to think this could actually work and that you were spending a night on the sidelines, when you could happily be at home with a good book. So, in spite, you grab a drink and the nicest looking fella you can find.

“Is there anyone who could beat our ginchiest young couple tonight?” The emcee pushes the crowd in excitement as the spotlight lands on Bucky in his nicest suit with a pretty blond whose tired but still all smiles.

“We can!” you yell and blue eyes turn to see that you’re fuming and holding a dark-haired man’s hand, who is slightly more nervous than you. You met him eye-to-eye and from the moment Bucky realizes who you are and that he’s done for, all you do is huff and tell your partner to simply follow your lead.

It’s a draw and you tell Rebecca you never want to see her brother again.     

**1943.**

_“They drafted Bucky,” Rebecca sighs out in worry, as she stares out your voluntary nurse form, “I hope you guys come back safely.”_

You try not to worry about the 107th regiment when the other nurses gossip that the whole squad had gone missing overnight, but you can’t help but think about Rebecca, her parents, and younger siblings back home – they all wanted Bucky back safely. You did too, as pathetic as it sounded. You keep an ear out for any details as the war moved forward and you keep up with your nursing duties. It takes months, but eventually you hear of Captain America’s attack on a certain HYDRA base. It becomes more apparent that everything is going to be alright when you in the nursing station and Bucky Barnes is sitting on one of the cots.

“Welcome back, soldier,” you give him a tight-lipped smile as tired blue eyes look your way, “While, your vitals seems strong, you seem to have the walking pneumonia. We’ll have to keep you for awhile until you’re good and ready to be sent back.”

All James does is give you a shaky nod, but he seems to be in a different place with his eyes glazed over and as his hands begin to shake for a moment. You frown slightly because you have seen this too many times with other soldiers that passed through the nursing station, though some never came out – you could only hope that he doesn’t end up like them.   

“Stay safe, Bucky,” you murmur softly before leaving the room, completely unaware that he looked up and briefly wondered who you were.   

**1945.**

**CAPTAIN AMERICA’S SACRIFICE: THE WAR IN EUROPE HAS ENDED! SURRENDER IS UNCONDITIONAL!**

A lot of people like to think of the celebration that comes with winning a war, but there is also a lot of change and pick-me-ups that happen in the aftermath, especially when it comes to those brave men that fought for their country and don’t come back exactly the way they once were. You aren’t sure exactly why, but you keep helping in that front even after the war is over, taking up being a full-time nurse in one of the military hospital in downtown Manhattan. It’s where you hear about Captain America’s –no, Steve’s–noble sacrifice and where you see James for the first time since Italy, in a wheelchair and missing his left arm.

“I should have been there with him,” is the most he says on some days, looking at the rest of New York from the large window he seems fond of. You never say anything, never question how he lost his arm over the Alps or how the hell he survived the fall. You don’t question why he refused that new metal arm from Howard Stark either. You just sit beside him in utter silence at odd intervals throughout the day.

“You’re too good to me, doll,” he tells you one odd day and you find yourself falling into those haunting blue eyes that have seen too much.

“Damn straight, I am,” you reply hotly and place a hand on your hip before winking at him. It seems to take him a moment to process everything before he lets out a loud laugh that you hadn’t heard since that dance hall all those years ago.

**1947.**

 

_We cordially invite you to the wedding of:_

_Rebecca W. Barnes and William A. Proctor_

_On May 16th, 1947 in Brooklyn’s…_

Even though you spent most of your time in Manhattan now, you try your hardest to visit Rebecca whenever you can, though it’s a surprise  when out of all her girlfriends she picks you to stand beside her younger sisters as a bridesmaid. The day is bright and sunny, as you watch Winifred puts the last few touches on her daughter’s makeup. You straighten the creases of your pink dress one more time, as Rebecca laughs at how nervous you seem to be. She only wished to know if it was because of the wedding in general or because you knew Bucky was walking you down the aisle.   

“I can’t wait for your wedding day,” Rebecca exclaims happily, as her mother smiles for a moment. You quirk your eyebrows in confusion, because they obviously know something you don’t but you simply shrug it off.   

“Yeah, maybe,” you reply offhandedly because at this point you aren’t sure you want to get married. Yes, maybe it would be nice, but it didn’t feel like it was in the cards for your future.

The wedding goes off without a hitch and while a lot of young men seem to be eyeing you to dance with them, you can’t seem to take your eyes off of a certain James Barnes. He doesn’t talk to you much, but he gives you that sweet smile that has your heart racing so damn quickly. In that moment, something is telling you to go after him and you do searching high and low for him within the wedding reception until you find him in one of the back alleys. Long hair slowly becoming ungelled, his tie is loose, and his sleeves are rolled up to show his flesh hand and the metal one he probably received from Stark. All in all, you’re happy he looks better compared to the last time you had seen him.

“See something ya like, darlin’ ?” you’re both stunned into a brief silence, though you because he found you so quickly, and Bucky due to the sound of his voice asking something that didn’t feel completely like himself anymore. But god, you smile a little before biting your bottom lip and he knows he has his answer. A Glenn Miller song is playing softly in the background, as James finds a little courage.

“Do ya wanna dance?” he asks hesitantly, adding the last part as an afterthought as he briefly remembers what happened all those years ago, “I mean if you don’t mind.”

“Sure, if ya think you can show me a good time, James,” you laugh as he’s looking at you with surprise in those bright blue eyes and leaning in closer, you find yourself dance for hours in the back alley not quite caring about anything else except the heartbreaking smile on his face. And maybe that’s why you do something you probably should have done a decade earlier – you kiss him hard and long.

**1952.**

**TV ANNOUNCER:**  T _he world lost a hero today, as Sgt. James Buchanan Barnes, former Howling Commando and childhood friend of Captain America, was found in his Brooklyn home today…_

Due to James’ past, the investigation into how he dies takes more than a month, but it’s really an open and shut case because anyone who had known Bucky knew he wasn’t the same anymore –Bucky Barnes had extinguished his own light and you had to live with that. But, by the time the funeral date is fully set, you were already feeling the symptoms of fatigue and morning sickness, and it doesn’t take Rebecca (with two children of her own by now) long to put two and two together. It should be a happy time, but you’re a mourning spouse in all but name since most of whatever James still had left is either given to you or one of the Howling Commandos. The remaining members along with Peggy Carter treat you well enough what with surprise visits and gifts as it gets closer to your due date, but sometimes you wake up alone with none to help, and you try your hardest not to cry (or curse out) for James.   

Instead, you go for a little card you have keep beside  your bed, one that they found in his things not to long after they had found him, cold and alone. You rub your growing stomach and sigh at the familiar pain in your chest.

“Ya would’ve been enough, Buck.”  

 

_**I hurt myself daily**  to see if I still feel anything sometimes.  **The pain…it’s only thing that’s real nowadays** …and I’m sorry. I could have given you the world a few years ago, doll. You have my whole heart, ya know? But, I know I’ll just disappoint you in the end. And maybe I’m taking the coward’s way out, but I just can’t live anymore._

**1953.**

**BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENT:**  S.J. Barnes, born to Miss. […] in Manhattan, NY on June 5th, 1953. 7.5lbs, 18 inches. Godparents: H. Stark and M. Carter.

_“We’ll have two kids, maybe a girl and then a boy. He’ll definitely need to be named after Stevie. A nice townhouse or maybe an apartment would be nice. We’ll go to the park every weekend,” he whispers in the dead of night, while rubbing circles on your stomach._

_“Aren’t you moving a little too fast, James?” you laugh as he circles his arm around your waist and pulls you closer. The air is warm from your recent activities, but the doesn’t stop him from peppering kisses all over your neck again._

_“We ain’t got enough time, doll,” is all he says as he stops his minstarations and looks at you with those blue-grey eyes and even though he’s smiling it feels like he’s hiding something – like he knew, he fucking knew. However, that doesn’t matter to you in the moment as you kiss him and start the dance all over again_.

“We ain’t got a lot of time, sweetheart,” after 16 hours of labor, you hold your small baby boy – who you know with that dark tuff of hair would probably look exactly like his father one day– and make a promise to him softly, “But, I’ll try to make it the best for the both of us.”   

_**Interviewer:**  Do you think your mother ever mourned Sgt. Barnes?_

_**S. Barnes:**  I think she mourned him everyday, but the world would keep moving even if she kept on crying. So, she got up and studied, advocated, taught so that the world wouldn’t forget him or the Howling Commandos. My mother lived in mourning for half a century._

**2002.**

**STATEMENT FROM S. BARNES:** _In the early morning hours, my mother […] She was a tireless advocate for mental health, military families, veterans and their spouses […] I can only hope she finally found the happiness she couldn’t find here._

It takes you a few minutes to figure out where you are as the bright lights flood your senses, but the gentle [Glenn Miller](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DIcfcbzG9lJk&t=Y2VjM2VmNWI1MGIxOWZhZTJiMWY1ZDU0NDhmMWYwN2UyYmY1MmExMixXVWlWbUtzRQ%3D%3D&b=t%3ARX4SnYt_TIYMwvxNWhVbfA&p=http%3A%2F%2Fthe-canary.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F173962363331%2Fthe-years-bb&m=1) music pulls you back in. You stand in confusion for a moment at all the dancing couples near the open floor, as the band goes from playing one song into another without a break. It feels to you like that failed date with Bucky all over again and in your panic you notice that your hands and arms don’t have the same wrinkles that you had grown used to. Your joints don’t hurt as much anymore, and you wearing a fashionable 1930’s white and black dress.

“Ahh…so it was time,” is all you say in the realization of what the chest pain you were feeling the night before truly was, but you’re still too scared to say it outloud and while you were worried about your son and his family, you knew that everything was going to be alright. You had been waiting to go for quite some time now, had been dreaming about it even longer. You only wonder one thing – if…

“Well, I’ve just stumbled up on the prettiest dame, haven’t I?” you hear a familiar voice that you hadn’t heard in 50 years, as tears start to gather in the corners of your eyes, though you don’t turn around in fear that he might just disappear like in the rest of your dreams.

“Doll, are ya mad?” he asks a bit more timidly than before and you let out a choked sob. A pair of arms wrap around your waist, as you bury your face in his white shirt, “Don’t ya think I should be a little red? Ya had me waiting  _decades._ ”

“I know, but Ste- and they needed to know. I-I tried my best, Buck,” you murmur hysterically as he rubs your back. You look up for a moment and realize that he’s wearing that old blue suit he used to wear to the dancing halls every weekend. This wasn’t James or Sgt. Barnes – this was regular Brooklyn Bucky – the one that left you standing all those years ago. The edges of his eyes crinkle as he smiles, rubbing away the tears as fast as you let them go.

“I know, sweetheart…and you did so well. I’m so proud of ya,”he answers back just as softly as he places a kiss on your forehead.   

* * *

 

 

> _**Interviewer:** So, do you think your parents loved each other?_
> 
> _**S. Barnes:**  Hahaha, that the million dollar question, isn’t? I think if they had meet earlier or in any other time period, they could have loved each other dearly. But, war traumatizes people, it kills a little part of them, I think that’s what happened to both my parents. They couldn’t love each other completely, but they cared and respected one another dearly… and that’s a kind of love in and of itself._
> 
> _–-Video of Stephen James Barnes, 70th Anniversary of World War II , May 2015._

**Author's Note:**

> catch me on the flip side: [writing tumblr](http://the-canary.tumblr.com/)


End file.
